This month has been an utter clusterfuck. I had to pay my rent late--like way late. And then my checking account was overdrawn because of it, so I had to pay fees on that. After my Sunday shift, I finally had enough to cover that and one other thing that was coming out yesterday.

Or so I thought.

My fucking bank apparently decided to push through two more things that were pending in the early afternoon--so now I'm $130 in the hole AGAIN. So now I have to make $130 to cover that, $110 for my phone bill, $682 for rent, and whatever else to keep myself and my animals fed and put gas in my car. It's not going to fucking happen.

It's only $60 but coming on the heels of everything else, it's a major fucking setback. I've paid $250 in late/overdraft fees this month because of shit like this. I'm working as hard as I can and I can't catch up. I'm so tired of this. I just want to give up. If I didn't have animals to take care of, I might just curl up in my bed and not get out ever again. Just lie there and sleep until someone physically removes me.

Yeah, I'm being melodramatic. But I've been crying so hard I can hardly breathe for half an hour, and I thought if I focused on writing it out it might help. It's not.

I live in a duplex, and my neighbors have a dog. My bigger dog is very protective, and goes nuts any time they let their dog out. She also will bark when he's just at the back door. So tonight I let her out, and after a few minutes she starts barking. I rush to the back door and call her in, but my neighbor's jerk boyfriend is already outside--exciting her more--complaining about "every night at 2:30 this has gone on for the past four nights!"

What's gone on? Ten seconds of barking? Their dog must be whining at the door or something--which is clearly my fault, right? I have a horrible feeling they're going to complain to the property management company about me. I guess I'll have to start letting the dog out the front door at night.

I have a mind-boggling amount of stuff to do right now. Like, an absolutely insane amount of stuff. I shouldn't even be blogging, I should be doing stuff. But my brain doesn't want to cooperate; it wants to run in circles, chasing its tail about what to do first. I thought maybe if I made some sort of list, a timeline, I'd feel less .... screwed! But every time I start writing a to-do list, I get distracted, I wander off, and I lose it. This is more permanent! Plus you people come here to read the ridiculous details of my life, right? Ha!

I'll start with the school stuff.
--French conversation group (Thursday 4/29)
--Write up about convo group, en français, à rendre le 5 mai
--Write up about convo group, en anglais, for another class (school-sponsored activity)
--online French homework
--French composition, due 5/4
--Reading for in-class conversations for medieval England/Christianity for 4/30
--Article review for medieval English, due 4/30
--français oral exam (5/3)
--français presentation on reflexive verbs (5/5)
--read Zimmerman Telegraph (for final 5/13)
--read Triangle (for final 5/13)
--get notes for medieval England/Christianity, American history for the last month of classes I missed due to the depression issues
--study for four finals on 5/10, 11, and 13
--write 7-9 page paper for American history class (due 5/13)
--fill out financial aid application form for next school year
--meet with adviser to for written graduation plan for financial aid appeal & state funding waiver for next year (second due 5/15)
--meet with professor to beg for chance to make up missed points (5/29)

Next, trip preparations.
--for NYC trip on 5/6, figure out what I'm taking
--figure out transport to/from airport
--hotel?
--get t-shirt printed
--for L.A. trip on 5/14, pack!
--buy sunscreen
--finalize dog sitters
--make CDs for trip

Work.
--Friday, Sat, Sun, Tues, following Sat/Sun
--laundry accordingly

And personal.
--lunch with friend (3/29)
--dinner with friend (3/29)
--visit grandfather in hospital for infection, depending on if he's still there tomorrow
--pay phone bill
--pay natural gas bill
--pay rent
--doctor's appointment on 5/5
--dishes, have no clean bowls or glasses
--laundry, the ever-present chore
--vacuum and steam-clean carpet (before 5/5 as have to return steamer)
--shave my legs (no point having a tattoo of my favorite band if I don't show it off when I go to the shows, right?)
--buy nail polish remover, toilet paper, mixed nuts, pasta, contact solution, white vinegar
--make CD I've been promising a friend for months

What can I say except FUCK MY LIFE.

Got a call from my aunt today. She's on the list to get shipped overseas--genius went and joined the military reserves a few years ago.

Her oldest daughter graduates in May; her younger daughter has another three years of high school. Their father is a dick, and she doesn't want to go live with him. My mother has waaaaaay too much going on in her life; my grandmother ... uh ... just no. My uncle is living with my grandmother. That leaves two aunts--one across the country, one out in the boonies in this state. And, of course, me.

I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure if it's up to the kiddo, she'll be living with me. That part is fine, I love her and love spending time with her. The problem becomes where she'll be living with me. Five years ago, I left school and moved eighty miles away to where they live. Two years ago, I left there and came back to school. I have a year left.

Do I put my life on hold, again, and halfway across the state again? Or do I make her leave her friends and her school, and possibly her dog unless I can find a realllllly big house here, uprooting her after her sister leaves for college and her mother leaves the country? I feel selfish even considering it--but god damn, I've only got three freaking semesters left, I'm almost thirty, and I don't think I can take another interruption. I've only just found my groove, how can I ditch it now because ... and this is the root of it ... my aunt keeps making stupid decisions?

My cousin shouldn't suffer for her mother's stupidity; she didn't ask for any of this. But I shouldn't either. Goddammit.

That damn dog I took off my cousin's hands chewed the heel off my favorite pair of boots--the only ones I had that would actually zip up all the way. I discovered this when my foot slipped on the way to bed, and the side of my foot skidded over the pointy, jagged, exposed plastic and screw in the heel.

So now I have ruined boots and a half-centimeter deep pit in my foot. Fucking fabulous.

My new neighbor just rang my doorbell. We've never met, I've only seen her pulling in and out of the driveway, and she didn't introduce herself. Just complained about my music. It's the middle of the day--and it wasn't that loud. This is gonna be just great. She strikes me as the type of person who's going to complain about my dogs and cause me trouble. Goddammit.

This day already sucks. It's 6:23 a.m.; I haven't been to bed yet. My sleep schedule is totally screwed up, like that's anything new; I don't work today; I don't have a test or anything today. No stress at all, today, actually. Oh, wait; I do have a French quiz, but that's nothing.

So how is it already a bad day? My Norwegian boys are splitting up. The album they just released will be the last. Their final concert will be on my 29th birthday. And I just had to sell my ticket to the November concert. Fuck my life. And the positive side, I have a year to save up travel money to go to said concert. Since I won't be able to go to school next semester and will have to get another job, that should be possible.

I'm just shocked, and sad. The idea of there being no more a-ha songs ... well, it's sad. I know a lot of people don't get that; a lot of people think of them as just the "Take On Me" guys. And yeah, they'll all do stuff solo; but it's not the same. There's a particular sound, a particular vibe, that isn't there in solo stuff.

Obviously I knew they wouldn't be around forever; but after releasing such a great album seems like such a strange time to call it quits.

So the last couple of days, I've been feeling oddly dizzy. Actually, it's been most of the weekend, but it didn't get really bad until yesterday. Yesterday I was intending to ride my bike up next to a stop block and step off on to it--my bike is just a little high and I always feel like an idiot trying to get off the damn thing.

Well, I fell like more of an idiot when I got a wave of vertigo, ran the side of my bike tire in to the stop block, and fell over. I left behind several layers of skin from my left arm and leg; my left ulna feels bruised, as does my ego; and the dizziness has just gotten worse. Any time I move my head, it feels like the world wallows like a boat in waves, and I have a vague sort of headache.

I thought maybe I was over-tired; dehydrated; low on magnesium; low on potassium; had screwed up blood sugar; or maybe it was gunk in my sinuses because of my allergies. I looked up symptoms of swine flu, and the first few pages just mentioned regular flu symptoms--nothing about dizzyness. Then one of my coworkers started getting the same symptoms; she went the doctor .... and she's officially Got The Swine Flu.

I think I'm fucked.

I'm so depressed today I feel like it's a major effort to even breathe. I don't really have a choice but to put off school for at least another year while I get another "real" job and save up $6K in tuition money for the two semesters I'll have to pay out of pocket. So now, instead of diving in to the degree I'm so excited about, instead I get to watch all my coworkers go back to school while I work two jobs and continue accomplishing nothing in life.

It's my own fault. I absolutely know that. I hate myself for this, which of course only makes the depression aspect of it worse.

My financial aid appeal was denied. I now have two choices: go to school this semester anyway and take spring off to try to pay it back, or un-register for this semester and try to find another job and earn the money in advance.

If I do the first, I don't know how I'll pay my bills I'm already struggling with. If I do the second, I'll have student loan payments I won't be able to make, so that'll be more collection calls.

Plus, before I can even apply for aid again, I'll have to pay for two semesters out of pocket. I really just don't know what the best way to proceed is.

Basically, I'm stressing out and completely freaking. And I know I have nobody to blame but myself, which only makes it worse. I knew this was a possibility, and I thought I was prepared for this outcome; but I guess I still had too much hope.

I saw this hideous picture because of Simon; I found the second occurrence of a bird-eating spider by accident.

If I'd seen this in my backyard, the followup pictures would involve a shovel spattered with spider guts. Even if their silk is useful for nerve re-attachment.

And then there's this, where a black widow stowed away in something that was shipped from San Francisco to the UK. Instead of SQUASHING THE POISONOUS FUCKER, they "found a home for it" in a freaking zoo! Seriously?

I really don't understand how it's the 23rd already. Well, 24th as of 19 minutes ago. It seems like just yesterday I was paying May's rent, and now I'm days away from having to pay June's rent, and have close to zero funds with which to do it.

I feel guilty, because I did take a few days off. Mother's Day I'd planned to take off months ago; not that I even saw my mother, she flaked out on me as usual. But that was the night I went to see Fleetwood Mac, I bought the ticket in February. There was a Friday I gave away because I was feeling horrendous; there was a Sunday night shift I gave away to go see Dane Cook. At least I didn't pay for the ticket for that. And then there were two nights, including today, that I wasn't needed because they'd over-scheduled to have coverage for the patio and then the weather was cold and rainy. Shit, that's five days off. No wonder I'm behind. At least two of them weren't my fault, and one was planned far in advance. And actually, the days that I gave away my coworkers told me were damn slow, like $30 on the Friday, so I'd still be screwed.

I should have started listing shit on eBay a lot sooner; I kept meaning to, not realizing how late in the month it was getting. I've got 21 things listed now and another 11 so far starting in the morning. I probably won't get the money in time for rent, unless people are exceedingly prompt. Luckily, my Aussie ex is willing to help me again; he's very sweet that way.

Part of the problem is my damned credit card bills, which are all set up for automatic pre-approved debits, which is seriously freaking obnoxious. This is why I need another job, not that I've so far had responses on the few apps I've put out. Oh well. Nothing I can do but keep putting all the money I get right into my checking account and watch it siphon away.

Last night, I was so happy to slide into bed. I had just washed all my stuff and it was comfy and clean and I was so ready to sleep. Ha. For the last six hours, since going to bed, I have been woken up every damn hour by one thing or another. One dog wanting out; the other wanting out; one of them wanting water because the other one sucked down the whole bowl; a weird dream; and the crowing fucking moment, waking up because when I stretched out my foot hit puddle of fucking dog vomit all up and down one side of my bed.

Did I mentioned I just washed all my bedding?