I would never have believed it.

Right now, I'm technically unemployed. I quit my waitressing job in order to get my 401k money -- no other way to take my a-ha trip, and yes I do know exactly how responsible that is. I have a freelance job doing social media for a friend's company, but that's not a "real job".

The interesting thing is that in October, I'm going to be acting as a zombie in my friend's haunted house! WTF? Me? I've never thought I had any acting talent; I never thought I'd have anything to do with haunted houses. Mostly I never thought I had any acting talent. And I didn't audition; they just needed a zombie and stuck me in there. But they said I was great in the trial run this weekend. Of course I also screamed so much I screwed up my voice, so that could be a bit of a challenge.

I also never thought I would quit a job just go to see a band, but you know what? The idea makes me SO happy! I have a second row and a third row ticket; so that's 2/10 shows covered. I'm not sure if I'll make it to all of them, but I'm sure going to try.


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So damn frustrating!

I'm never having a 401k again! At least not until I have a Real Proper Job. Having one now is just so much torture. I can't get my money unless I quit, but of course if I quit I'll have to spend a chunk of said money on bills because I quit! Gah! My life would be so much easier if I didn't have this overwhelming obsession with a-ha.


Ha! Nah, I love loving them. It would be easier if I still had credit cards, or if I hadn't made a million other incorrect decisions over the years. But that's life, right? No point in "what-ifs". All I can do now is go forward and make the best decisions I can in the moment. I've gotten better at that as I've gotten older, but sometimes I still end up lying in bed at night freaking out about the past.

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Merry-go-round.

The last few weeks I've felt like I've just been spinning around, carried around in a circle around the same point. Some of it is just exhaustion -- between the heat and horrible allergies, plus a lot of random extra shifts at work, I feel like I haven't really slept in weeks. But a lot of it is waiting in limbo. I was waiting for a second job, waiting to find out if I got money for school, waiting and waiting.

Wednesday I got a lovely shock. Although my financial aid appeal was approved, I didn't get enough money to cover even one semester due to be near my federal loan limit. At first I thought, no big deal! I'll just keep looking for a second job, keep trying to put together the funds for a trip to the UK in November.

And then I found out that if you drop your classes after the first day, you have to pay 25% of tuition! WTF! So I was absolutely panicking. I could either drop my classes and pay a fuckton of money for nothing, or stay in and end up with a massive bill at the end of the semester. Fabulous.

I was going with option two, especially since I found out there were a few extra sources of money I could get--but I won't find out about those until it would be too late to drop out entirely. But I was seriously unhappy. Between the financial concerns and my depression related to not getting to see a-ha again because of this mess, I was very unhappy.

I went to my classes yesterday, and it just felt wrong. It felt like the wrong thing to be doing. It wasn't because I was bored, or even the depression. It just felt .... scratchy and uncomfortable. And then I found out that if I keep a measly one credit class, I don't have to pay the 25% tuition. I do have to pay for that credit out of pocket, but it's still less. I can go back in spring, knowing exactly what I'll have for funds.

And of course, that has the side effect of maybe I can still see a-ha. Which definitely makes me feel happier.

Then I was woken up this morning by somebody here to shut off my natural gas. So I've jumped on to another merry-go-round, of finances. At least it's a slightly different view.

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I'm still alive.

I just don't have the energy to write anything at the moment. Too much and yet too little happening.

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Decisions, decisions ....

My dad is going to Lake Powell in September. I haven't been in five years, and a week in the sun and the water sounds like a great idea. Of course, there are several problems with that scenario ... if I'm in school, do I take of a week? Could I? If I'm not, could I take the time off from the other job I'll hopefully have by then?


And either way, do I want to set back my fledgling a-ha fund by $600? The lake will be there next year .... after twenty years of going, it's unlikely my dad will suddenly decide not to go anymore. And after the misery that was the last trip there, I swore I'd never go again, actually. But that's part of why I want to go -- to erase the bad memories of last time.

But a-ha won't be around next year. So I guess there's my answer!

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Less than a month, less than a month ....

Thank GOD my bastard neighbors are moving.


I got up to let my dogs out and make sure my car would start since it wouldn't last night; one of them started barking so I let her in. The other start barking while I was getting dressed, so it took a minute to get to the door. She came in, and a few seconds later I heard a huge crash - loud enough and hard enough it shook the walls. It sounded like someone had slammed their back door with ridiculous force.

I headed outside to test-start the car, and I was halfway across the lawn when I heard them fighting. I didn't hear the words, but it sounded like she was trying to talk him out of something and he was yelling back. And then I heard him yelling at me.

At first he was polite. Ish. He said something like "when you let your dogs out tonight, can you leave the door open so they can come in so they don't bark and wake me up?" I guess I didn't respond quick enough, because there went the politeness. "It gets OLD, every damn night, 12, 1, 3:30 in the morning!"

"I'll try to keep them quieter," I said. My brain was still all fuzzy from sleep, and I was struggling not to snap at him because for god's sake, it wasn't even midnight last night when I let the dogs out and their living room lights were on--and he was the only one home, his roommate's car wasn't there. I've been careful to keep them quiet at night, for the most part.

Again, apparently my answer wasn't satisfactory, because he started hollering some more. I repeated that I would try to keep them quieter; he shrugged as if I was leaving him no choice and then informed me he was going to call the sheriff if it happened again. Then he went back inside.

I was so pissed it took me a full minute to get my car door open, I kept not being able to unlock it. If two barks wakes you up, then buy some fucking earplugs, jackass. My dog only barks because THEIR dog comes to the door and jumps up in the window when she's out! Okay, so I can see how it could be annoying--as I said, last night it looked like he was still up so I was less cautious. But to threaten to call the sheriff over it? Really? This is the same guy who started screaming obscenities at their dog in the middle of the night last week (we were talking about ours cars getting broken into; their dog was running loose, my dog nosed the door open and they started fussing at each other a bit).

Now I'm kind of plotting what sorts of noises could be made at any hour that he couldn't blame on me. I hope the extra noisy car I'm driving right now wakes him up, for one. I'd purposely set off the smoke detector if it didn't freak out the dogs so much.

He's just a jackass and a bully, and I am counting down the days until they leave!

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Nope, not a flicker.

I held a coworker's month-old son today. Third time I've seen the baby, but the first without his mother, who gives off a vibe of "don't touch my kid" combined with a "what the fuck is this thing" attitude. Very odd.


Anyway, his daddy brought him in today, and I asked to hold it. It's just What Chicks Do when there's a baby around, right? So he handed me the baby, and I very carefully supported his head and all, and after about a minute I handed him back because he was fussing. And as usual, I didn't get even a distant flicker of those gushy feelings it seems like all other woman get. His little toes and fingernails and his baby skin and his soft mop of hair didn't trigger any of that maternal crap in me. Which is normal, for me. Sometimes I just like to check. I am 28, supposedly something should be ticking by now, right?

I also have belatedly realized that I asked if I could hold "the little bean." I meant bean like "human bean", which is what my family always says. He probably thought I was being racist since he's Mexican. Oops.

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Considering my path.

I have so many things I want to do in the next year or so, and I feel stuck because I don't know what to focus on or what to pursue.


For example, I'm two semesters away from finally finishing my damn degree. Assuming the school will give me money again, it would make sense for me to stay that course. It's another year.

But my Norwegian boys are retiring, and I'd just about kill to spend November in Europe following them around. Yes, I know that's vaguely pathetic. But dammit, I want some more adventure in my life! Doing that would require blowing off school for at least a semester -- and a second job, which I have yet to acquire (rejections are stacking up though).

But I also have an itch to move to California -- I was just so happy by the ocean! And it might be time for a change. And naturally, that presents a whole bunch of complications. I should probably finish school first while I still have in-state tuition here, plus I need to save up money.

The most logical thing to do would be to forget going to Europe, go to school, then move. But I'm so fucking tired of living according to logic! I want to do something fun, something wild, something that lasts longer than a weekend. I've spent the last ten years being responsible, and I'm tired of it. Obviously I can't abdicate all my responsibilities, but just for a little while ....

So right now, I'm looking for another job, and I'm doing the necessary paperwork to try to get money for school in case I don't find one. But if I do ... well, I'm going to go to Europe and see the things I missed out on the last time (which is just about everything), as well as my Norwegians. It may not be the most logical, responsible path, but it's what feels like it will make me happy.

There's no reason for the tiger picture, btw. Other than I was looking for a video still and that came up instead, and I like it! Who's a cute flesh-devouring kitty-kitty?

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Of all the weird things to attract spam!

There's a post from a couple of weeks ago called "My sweet girl!" that's just a picture of my dog. For some reason, that post is attracting spam comments like crazy! I've probably deleted twenty of them. I don't get it -- I wrote a post about penis jewelry earlier in the year and that didn't attract anything, yet my dog is a magnet for ridiculous spam?


Anyway, I've temporary engaged the word verification function to try to kill that off for the time being. Yeah, I can just delete them right now, but I don't want it to spread!

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To boldly go where I haven't gone before.

(Sponsored)

Ever since my trips last month (oh crap, month before because it's freaking July already!), I've felt restless. I love my home state -- been here my entire life -- but I feel the need for adventure and change. I'm only in the very early pre-planning stages now, basically doing research; but I don't know how people moved long distances without the Internet!

For example, if you were looking for Apartments in North Carolina today, there are websites for that. Before, I guess you'd have to visit and try to find a place, or trust a friend to find you somewhere decent -- or even worse, go on the basis of phone calls with landlords and hope for the best. That would totally freak me out! I'm part of the spoiled internet generation -- I can't imagine taking something on like that without googling Apartment in Durham, NC or something.

North Carolina isn't actually where I'm thinking of moving, but I'm sure there's an equivalent of http://www.nc-apartments.com for Los Angeles!

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