I live in a duplex, and my neighbors have a dog. My bigger dog is very protective, and goes nuts any time they let their dog out. She also will bark when he's just at the back door. So tonight I let her out, and after a few minutes she starts barking. I rush to the back door and call her in, but my neighbor's jerk boyfriend is already outside--exciting her more--complaining about "every night at 2:30 this has gone on for the past four nights!"
What's gone on? Ten seconds of barking? Their dog must be whining at the door or something--which is clearly my fault, right? I have a horrible feeling they're going to complain to the property management company about me. I guess I'll have to start letting the dog out the front door at night.
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A week ago, I was still in Los Angeles, a few hours away from going to the last North American a-ha concert. Since getting back from that trip, my activities have fallen in to several very narrow categories: working (a bit), sleeping (mostly), and a-ha obsessed things (all the rest of the time). The people around me think I'm insane, but I am totally depressed.
(Some of it is the fact that I thought I was happy before, but now I'm realizing I was just sort of content. I don't think I've ever, ever been as happy as I was while I was in New York. And even though I know I can't have that same feeling all the time, I want closer to it than I have now.)
But most of it ... most of it is the strange knowledge that there will be no more a-ha. No more albums; no more new songs to fall in love with; no new interviews or performances to watch on Youtube; no more chances to try to talk to Magne or sing with the crowd to "Living Daylights" or laugh at Morten forgetting the words or dance wildly to "Cry Wolf" or "wave goodbye" during "Manhattan Skyline". Their music has loomed so large in my life in the last six years that it's just difficult to even conceive of.
And yeah, I listen to other music ... but very few things really reach out and grab me like their music does. People keep trying to tell me they'll probably come back, bands do so-called farewell tours all the time ... but I don't think so with them. This probably sounds naive, but I don't think they'd toy with their fans like that--they know exactly how obsessive we are. I mean, I certainly hope I'm wrong--I'd be so stoked if they announced at their last concert that the reaction from all their fans changed their minds. But I doubt it, and it makes me a very sad panda. I have a strangely deep sense of loss, a lingering sadness, a hollow feeling now that the object of my adoration is fragmenting.
For months, I've been telling myself I just had to push through to the end of the semester. I thought once I did that, I'd feel relieved.
Instead, I feel so lost! Maybe I just can't let go of the school stress; maybe it's the financial crap; maybe the sense of loss over my retiring Norwegians. Maybe it's all of it. But I've spent most of the last three days hiding in my house, not knowing what to do with myself,
unable to focus.
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I shouldn't feel this broken up about a band breaking up. It's stupid. But I feel like there's going to be a hole in my life after the last concert (that I'll be able to go to) tonight.
I feel like an idiot.
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Didn't make it to the French conversation group as I had to go to the hospital to see my grandfather. I did get some stuff done/elimintated, so now ...
School stuff.
--French play (5/2)
--Write up about play group, en français, à rendre le 5 mai
--Write up about play group, en anglais, for another class (school-sponsored activity)
--online French homework
--pick up French composition rough draft (Friday morning)
--French composition, due 5/4
--Reading for in-class conversations for medieval England for 4/30
--Article review for medieval English, due 4/30
--français oral exam (5/3)
--français presentation on reflexive verbs (5/5)
--read Zimmerman Telegraph (for final 5/13)
--read Triangle (for final 5/13)
--get notes for medieval England/Christianity, American history for the last month of classes I missed due to the depression issues
--study for four finals on 5/10, 11, and 13
--write 7-9 page paper for American history class (due 5/13)
--meet with adviser to for written graduation plan for financial aid appeal & state funding waiver for next year (second due 5/15)
Next, trip preparations.
--for NYC trip on 5/6, figure out what I'm taking
--figure out transport to/from airport
--hotel?
--for L.A. trip on 5/14, pack!
--make CDs for trip
Work.
--Friday, Sat, Sun, Tues, following Sat/Sun
--laundry accordingly
And personal.
--pay phone bill
--pay natural gas bill
--pay rent
--doctor's appointment on 5/5
--dishes, have no clean bowls or glasses
--laundry, the ever-present chore
--vacuum and steam-clean carpet (before 5/5 as have to return steamer)
--shave my legs (no point having a tattoo of my favorite band if I don't show it off when I go to the shows, right?)
--buy nail polish remover, toilet paper, mixed nuts, pasta, contact solution, white vinegar, sunscreen
--make CD I've been promising a friend for months
I need my dad to watch my dog while I go to New York to see a-ha, so I had to tell him I was going at all--which I originally didn't intend to. His response was "You need to re-evaluate your life if you really think that's something you need to do."
Wonder what he'd say about my a-ha tattoo!
I have a mind-boggling amount of stuff to do right now. Like, an absolutely insane amount of stuff. I shouldn't even be blogging, I should be doing stuff. But my brain doesn't want to cooperate; it wants to run in circles, chasing its tail about what to do first. I thought maybe if I made some sort of list, a timeline, I'd feel less .... screwed! But every time I start writing a to-do list, I get distracted, I wander off, and I lose it. This is more permanent! Plus you people come here to read the ridiculous details of my life, right? Ha!
I'll start with the school stuff.
--French conversation group (Thursday 4/29)
--Write up about convo group, en français, à rendre le 5 mai
--Write up about convo group, en anglais, for another class (school-sponsored activity)
--online French homework
--French composition, due 5/4
--Reading for in-class conversations for medieval England/Christianity for 4/30
--Article review for medieval English, due 4/30
--français oral exam (5/3)
--français presentation on reflexive verbs (5/5)
--read Zimmerman Telegraph (for final 5/13)
--read Triangle (for final 5/13)
--get notes for medieval England/Christianity, American history for the last month of classes I missed due to the depression issues
--study for four finals on 5/10, 11, and 13
--write 7-9 page paper for American history class (due 5/13)
--fill out financial aid application form for next school year
--meet with adviser to for written graduation plan for financial aid appeal & state funding waiver for next year (second due 5/15)
--meet with professor to beg for chance to make up missed points (5/29)
Next, trip preparations.
--for NYC trip on 5/6, figure out what I'm taking
--figure out transport to/from airport
--hotel?
--get t-shirt printed
--for L.A. trip on 5/14, pack!
--buy sunscreen
--finalize dog sitters
--make CDs for trip
Work.
--Friday, Sat, Sun, Tues, following Sat/Sun
--laundry accordingly
And personal.
--lunch with friend (3/29)
--dinner with friend (3/29)
--visit grandfather in hospital for infection, depending on if he's still there tomorrow
--pay phone bill
--pay natural gas bill
--pay rent
--doctor's appointment on 5/5
--dishes, have no clean bowls or glasses
--laundry, the ever-present chore
--vacuum and steam-clean carpet (before 5/5 as have to return steamer)
--shave my legs (no point having a tattoo of my favorite band if I don't show it off when I go to the shows, right?)
--buy nail polish remover, toilet paper, mixed nuts, pasta, contact solution, white vinegar
--make CD I've been promising a friend for months
What can I say except FUCK MY LIFE.
I've been trying to get my house a little more organized, by which I mean organized at all. I still have several boxes from when I moved--the contents have changed a bit, but basically I've just been shuffling random stuff around for almost two years.
So I finally started buying tubs for organization, including one that I've been thinking of my "hobby" tub. Because I did used to have hobbies. I've spent the last ten minutes wistfully looking over my horse's old saddle, bridle, and some random pieces of my grooming kit. He's been dead for four years; they still smell like him. I regret not spending more time with my poor horse; once I started college he pretty much stood around. It makes me cry to think of it, I wish I had been ... better.
Anyway, I used to ride my horse, I used to play my clarinet, I took some guitar lessons for a while, I have a bunch of yarn because I used to (try to) crotchet, I have about six cross-stitches I'll get around to finishing eventually. I have scrapbooking stuff.
I used to do things other than work, sleep, and struggle through classes.
