I few days ago, I posted about needing to lose a small amount of weight so I can wear my black pants for work again. In that post, I mentioned not wanting to fall back into the self-loathing patterns that come along with diets. I said that because I was already starting to feel them coming on, and I thought it was just a product of the impending need to police what I eat.
But today, I realized it's something else, and that it started earlier than the pants dilemma. See ... there's this guy. And it's all much, much too confusing to go into here. But basically, he's trying to get his own life worked out, and it's looking like I won't be a part of it in the end. I know there's nothing I can do to make him decide I'm what he wants. But the idea of not being able to do anything is kind of hard to accept ... and part of me thinks if I were better somehow, maybe he'd want me. (This, of course, is the same part of me that thought having straight A grades in school would stop my dad's drinking.)
But what's better? I'm already pretty damn cool. Not perfect, no, but perfect would be boring. And I can't/won't change who I am--already been there, done that, emotionally beat the crap out of each other with it. I can't make myself smarter, or more patient, or less moody (well, okay, that can be and is tempered by Prozac. :) ). But what if I were thinner? This thought has flown through my head a few times. And I've started feeling guilty about what I eat. And I've started, ever so slightly, to be disgusted with my body and think I should lose weight, and lots of it, and then he'll love me again.
This is absolutely fucking idiotic.
And for so many reasons. The most basic of which, intellectually, is that thin does not equal better. And I like myself as I am. And I even usually like my warm, squishy fat. And if he were the kind of person who thought fat was bad and looked down on me, I wouldn't have loved him for so long. The fact is, he finds me hot just the way I am and always has. He likes me fat, he's liked me less fat and more fat than I am now.
So ... why am I going into self-hating diet mentality?
I used to think if they didn't like me fat that they weren't worth my time. Fact of the matter for me at least was I couldn't get a date with anyone until I changed how I felt about myself (fat) so I lost a lot of the weight and as a result, felt better and then the "package" was acceptable to me and to others. I wanted guys to like me fat or thin but I couldn't force them. I wanted to like myself both ways and couldn't force it. I have no idea why we beat up on ourselves. The only purpose it ends up serving is compounding more self loathing. And for me, more food stuffing.
I don't know why I wrote all that. I guess because it's a constant struggle for me.
Sadly, when I finally started accepting and liking myself and having confidence was when he realized his life was a shambles and left me to put it together. :(
I'm not sure why he's triggered that "better myself by dieting" urge, because I genuinely do like myself and think I'm a catch as I am. I guess it's just because I'm at a loss as to what else to do! Luckily, today I feel more normal and less ... desperate.