I don't have a particular feeling about the new year as a point of starting over, etc. I think the only reason I feel introspective is because I remember what was happening and where I was a year ago. There are few days that I know exactly where I was at that time, so naturally days where I can clearly identify where I was lend themselves to looking back.

A year ago today, I was living in a different town. I had an actually pretty good retail job, with good pay and good benefits. I was probably going to be promoted to store manager soon. I had friends that I saw on a daily basis, because we worked in the same store or the same mall. I was close to my cousins. I wasn't single; instead I was in a confusing relationship with someone I'd been in a relationship with (off and on) for a long, long time. I thought we might make it work this time. (A year ago tomorrow, I spent the day brokenhearted and sobbing because of that person. I never learn, I guess.)

Generally speaking, I was happy. I felt like I had things to look forward to. Now ... I live 80 miles away from the place that was home for three years. I rarely see my friends. I rarely see my cousins. I'm waitressing full-time, with unstable pay and no benefits--my store got closed down, and I went back to school. I guess that's good, but I think I'd rather be able to go to the doctor when I need to than be going to school. I'm alone, I have no friends here and no significant other, and I'm struggling. I'm struggling to keep my head above water in every way--financially, emotionally, in terms of my health.

I feel unhappy, scattered, and not secure. I feel like at any moment I'm going to lose my grip on things, lose my grip and not have the strength to claw my way up and get through another day of responsibilities and stress. But I don't know why I feel like this! Logically speaking, I'm not in a terrible position. There are people much worse off. But I feel like I feel when I'm out of Prozac, only I'm not out. When I got home from a birthday party last night, I sat here and cried for about half an hour. Why? I don't know why.

I think some of it is isolation. For two years, if I was feeling lonely or bored, I had at least seven people I could call and they were all within ten minutes of my house. I could go to one workplace or another and hang out with people. Up here .... I have family, but it's not the same. I can admit to my friends when I feel like I'm suffocating, but I have a harder time with family. All I do now is go to work, come home, and once a week or so see my dad. I haven't seen any friends since November. I have people at work that I talk to and am friendly with, but none of them are really friends yet.

Basically I'm feeling sorry for myself right now, I guess. I've been in a funk since Friday, and I can't seem to get out of it. I don't know if it's the time of year or what. Maybe I just need a vacation? I don't know. I don't know how to make myself feel better. I've basically been spending almost every spare moment reading--you can gauge how unhappy I am by how much I immerse myself in other peoples' fantasy worlds. I read a lot anyway, but when I'm distressed I tend to re-read things that are familiar, that I can lose myself in without really having to engage my mind. It's better than crack, I guess.

I just have to hang on. Just keep plugging along, and things will get better.

2 Responses
  1. I feel that way too. Unhappy and scattered. For me it's the 'not being in the driver's seat of my life' problem. I think we mere humans aren't really in control of much of anything, but we need the illusion of control to be happy. That's why so many people have food issues, for example. If they can't control the economy at least they can starve themselves into a size 4. Just my opinion ... blah blah blah ...

    Maybe I'm sad because life can really actually be quite sincerely sad sometimes! Fighting it just leads to more problems. For now I'm just being patient with it. And I'm getting some sleep for a change.

  2. purplegirl Says:

    Isn't it strange how we're training to expect to be happyhappyhappy all the time? Life really is sad sometimes! And sometimes it's boring, and sometimes stressful, and sometimes it's happy. But for some reason it seems like it's not okay to accept that, like if you're having an off day, or if you're sad without an Official Reason (death, divorce, etc.), then you're a freak. But the truth is, often things aren't perfect, and all you can do is go with it, just like you said.