Apparently, toy companies can't just base their 80s-era toy sales on nostalgia: they also have to give them "makeovers" to fit with ridiculous standards today. Strawberry Shortcake got it last year, which just pissed me off--I have fond memories of Shortcake! My first tricycle was a read and white SS tricycle, with a white seat and printed with strawberries. I loved that thing, I wish when I grew out of it that I'd thought to keep it for nostalgic reasons.

Honestly, what was wrong with the original, who looked like a dessert personified? The new version is so unremarkable; there's nothing shortcakey about her. At least she's fully clothed and they didn't give her breast implants, I guess. Except her giant head that's about twice the width of her waist--those are normal proportions, right? The original SS had a big wide head too, but she was also all around ... fluffy, I guess. Look at those bloomers!

And then there's the slimming down of my precious Care Bears. WTF is with that? The innocent, playful, cuddly bears I loved as a child have been oddly slimmed down. Even bears can't be fat? And just as importantly, even girl bears have be all coy and flirty? They're all about attitude now, it seems, and gender stereotypes.

And then there were all the My Little Pony toys I had. I loved those things, with their sparkly eyes and their shiny hair, and that weird smell of their squishy plastic bodies. Anybody else remember that smell? Fond memories, right? I wonder if these giant-hooved, giant-headed monstrosities smell the same.

The latest of my childhood toys to have a ridiculous facelift is Rainbow Brite. I thought RB was the shit, man. I had a freaking RB record that I played endlessly until it mysteriously disappeared--I think to this day that my mom gave it away because she was sick of hearing it! I think I had a Strawberry Shortcake one, too. I don't remember what they sounded like, just a vague mental picture of the album sleeves, but I remember crying when they vanished.

Now, RB has been remade. She's taller, more naked, more hourglass shaped, and her friends have no personality anymore. And similar to the new Strawberry shortcake, her head is out of proportion to her body. Because girls are never too young to be told they need to be disproportionately thin, amirite?

Why couldn't they just leave them alone? If they were still my childhood toys, I'd probably buy them all (uh, when I had money). If I had kids, I'd buy the old ones for them. These new ones? I am not impressed.