I've given up on The Fantasy of Being Thin. I've written about it before, but I'm thinking about it again tonight because yesterday, I discovered that apparently my father hasn't given up on the it, for me.

Both of my parents are very social people. My father knows an enormous network of people who can help him get just about anything accomplished--you have to leave the state to avoid running in to someone he knows. And sometimes that doesn't even work. But I have just never been that way. I could point to a dozen different reasons for this in my upbringing, the point is, I am just not a social butterfly. I feel out of place at parties, out of my depth when expected to converse with strangers for any length of time. I enjoy time alone, reading and such. I always have.

A long time ago, it seems, I attributed this to my fat. When I got thin, I'd have millions of friends and a full social calendar. Except .... if all my extra fat disappeared tomorrow, I'd still not know what to say to strangers at parties, I'd still lack confidence in conversation. But the thing is, and I know this now ... it's just how I am. I'm not anti-social, I'm just not super-social. I'm quiet and a little shy. I suffer from depression and a horrible tendency toward procrastination. I'm not good at saving money. I'm a little scatter-brained. All of these personality "flaws" are just how I am, and losing weight would fix none of them.

My dad doesn't believe that. He thinks if I lose all my spare weight, I'll have more confidence and I'll interact with people more. He didn't come right out and say it, but basically he's afraid I'm going to end up a fat old crazy cat lady with no friends or husband. And he attributes this not to my shyness, or my fear of betrayal in relationships (although I haven't discussed that with him, it's too rooted in his behavior during my childhood and I don't have the stomach for it), or anything else .... but to my weight. To him, if I were thin, I'd stop worrying about money, I'd have lots of friends, and a husband (and no doubt kids), I wouldn't want my cats anymore (he hates cats), I wouldn't be 20 minutes late all the time and I wouldn't need my happy pills. He sees it as a cure-all, and I don't think I can possibly dissuade him.

I tried asking him, yesterday, what losing weight would solve. He said I'd interact with people more. Why, I said, I'd still be shy and generally think most people are idiots. He brushed it off. I know he just wants me to be happy, he just wants me to be healthy, he's feeling his own mortality and is afraid I won't be okay after he dies (he's all of 48 this year), and he is trying to help me with what he sees as the straightest path to my happiness. A perverse part of my wants to lose weight just so I can show him--"See! I'm skinny and I'm still bad with money and depressed and can count my friends on one hand! Pfffft!" :)

The worst part is that I've been struggling over a related issue for a couple of months now. I really want to start exercising, I want to feel strong again. I want to start eating properly (cut out junk food, etc.). But I know that those things will result in weight loss, at least to a degree, and I am afraid of what that will trigger. I can see myself ending up chase weight loss, obsessing over every bite of food, and allowing the scale to rule my moods. And I'm afraid of flirting with that, because there were times I could feel myself edging toward an eating disorder, and because even short of an eating disorder it's not a healthy way to live.

How does that fit into the conversation with my dad? Well, partially I'm afraid of falling back into the "when I'm thin ..." mindset. But mostly, I know that any weight loss will be widely, ridiculously commented on by every well-meaning member of my family. They've been watching/waiting/expecting me to lose weight my entire life, and any time they see a sign of slimming, they all pile on the wagon to compliment me, tell me how good I look, what am I doing, tell me I finally have a waist, blahblahblahblah. And that will send me headfirst down one slope or another: unhealthy binging to undo it because I don't want to deal with it, or further obsession about it. I've tried in the past asking not to discuss it, but then people just get butt hurt and tell me I'm being rude and I "hurt Grandma's feelings!" and to just take a compliment.

So what to do? I don't know. I continue to mull it over, rolling the concepts around in my head, trying to decide if I can deal with the consequences of eating well.