I went to lunch with my mom today, and I keep catching myself occasionally thinking that I had too much junk. It's not like I'm obsessing about it non-stop; just when trying to decide what to have for dinner, or when entering it in to my tracking program, I would think "that's WAY too much carb". Then I think "No, dammit, it's not!"

I think this is exacerbated by the fact that I had to go jeans shopping today. I've had the same three pair of basic jeans for about two years. One pair developed a hole above the back pocket a few months ago, so I only wore those around the house. That hole split down the entire leg last week! The other two were holding up great ... until about two weeks ago I noticed holes where my thighs rub together in one pair. So I had to get a new pair then. Then my third, last pair of old jeans developed the same holes yesterday! Fuck!

Here's the problem with jeans: my waist is smaller than my hips, and my legs are MUCH smaller than either. And I have a flat ass. So basically, I have two choices: fitted-leg tapered jeans that make my hips and stomach look even more giant, or bootcut type jeans that are saggy in the ass. Add to that the restrictions on the details of jeans for work (no fancy pockets or embroidery, have to be standard jeans pockets--no slit pockets, pork chop pockets etc.--no pocket flaps, no fading, blah blah blah). Add to that I'm short. Add to that the general dearth of plus-sized clothing anyway. And basically it's a big problem.

I ended up with another pair of the Lane Bryant Right Fit jeans. They don't fit so right. I miss the old bootcut jeans. They were still sort of saggy, but the overall leg was narrower, I liked the feel of the fabric better, the rise didn't feel funky, and they were the perfect length instead of slightly too long. Plus, all this red/blue/yellow, flare/bootcut/classic, 1-8 sizing crap? Unnecesarily complicated. Seriously.

I did discover today that my local Old Navy carries up to a size 20. I could get them on and zip them, but they were trying to crawl up my ass. I might order a 22 online when I have the cash, and see how it works out.

Anyway, jeans almost always make me feel bad about myself and like I should lose weight. I know that just about every woman has trouble finding jeans that fit well. But I feel like if I could just lose weight in my stomach area, then I could get a smaller jean size, which would have smaller legs and thus be less baggy. The fatal flaw with that, of course, is that if I lost weight, it wouldn't be just in my stomach. My stupid skinnier legs would shrink too, so really it wouldn't solve anything.

Still, I'm doing alright not going into diet-mode. The thoughts come to me sometimes, but they're not the self-hating thoughts they used to be. I'm actually sort of impressed with myself, I'll admit. I'm going on two weeks here of reasonable, healthy eating, without daily weighing or hating myself for having more than exactly X many grams of carb or calories or whatever.

I just realized, actually, that lunch today was pretty incredible. My mom's lunch came with a giant chips and salsa appetizer. I had a few chips, but not more than ten. We shared boneless buffalo wings. I had a half a sandwich and a cup of baked potato soup, which also came with a full plate of fries. I had less than ten of those. Even when the food was sitting there while we talked for a long time, I didn't continue eating. I wasn't "stuffed"; I just wasn't hungry. And it was the first thing I'd eaten all day, too (at 3:30 in the afternoon).

Again, I wonder ... is this what it's like to be "normal" regarding food?