I've been on my scale more in the last week than in a couple of months. Which is to say twice. :) This is the problem with any measure than affects my eating--I start over thinking. And I know that if I continue eating properly and see no change in weight, I might end up giving it up and chowing chocolate and crud daily again. Because unfortunately, it's easy to forget how shitty I feel when I eat those things. A few weeks or months of feeling better, and I forget it's so easy to disrupt that feeling. Feeling better starts to be the norm, and ceases to be incentive.

I wish I was one of those people who loves vegetables, who doesn't crave sugar and starch. Although I think those people are pretty rare. I'm realizing that a vast majority of the slender people I know struggle as much as I do--they just either are naturally thin, or deny themselves the things they want on a daily basis. I'm amazed how much I hear the "skinny girls" I work with complaining about how "fat" they are, and how they "shouldn't have eaten that!" There's one girl who looks like her bones are about to burst through the skin of her face, who has been trying to gain weight after an illness, and I heard HER saying it the other day! She's trying to gain weight, and yet she still "shouldn't" have eaten? Insane.

I don't want to end up obsessing, counting every gram of food I eat, obsessing over the things I want to eat and "can't". There has to be a middle ground between obsession and complete non-restriction, which is what I've been doing for the last year to try to heal my guilt and twisted feelings about food. I don't want to go back there. What to do?